#4--Sometimes shit happens for no good reason. Sometimes it is to teach you a lesson you are resistant to learning.
It really was hard to accept the second heart attack. After all, I had done ALL THE THINGS -- modern pharmaceutical, western medicine. Holistic medicine. Accupuncture. Weight Loss. Exercise. Stress reduction. I was the model patient regardless of modality.
The ONE question I demanded from my Cardiologist was "WHY"? How could I work to never have this happen again if I didn't understand why this happened. She looked over my labs from days before the attack, and my labs at that moment. She looked at me and said "Shit house bad luck is all".
What the HELL was I supposed to do with that. If my second, more severe heart attack was caused by bad luck, how could I ever prepare to not have another? It made me angry. I cried a LOT those first couple of days. Was it really that my life was held in the balance of bad luck?
Over the course of the months that followed, i realized that this was my lesson to learn. Sometimes there is no reason, and that means there is no physical way to prepare for it.
There is however a spiritual way to prepare for the idea that something so massive could be so random.
Coming to peace with life and death. Now that might sound silly or magnificent, esoteric or numbing. But really it is about becoming ok that life, my life, was time limited but there was NO way to know when.
Interestingly I have been working hard at releasing trying to control outcomes in my physical life and this bad luck forced me to realize that releasing the outcome meant I could NOT control the timing of my passing. So my spiritual practice has focused on still setting goals but using those goals to become the person I would be should those goals come to fruition. Because I cannot control whether they do or not.
Oh sure, I can work towards the goals but I cannot ensure they happen. I can only strive for them. BUT if I become the person I would be should they materialize then I am, at least, evolving myself.
I was so angry at that Cardiologist for her vague answer. But it made me realize that there is a limit to what healing any modality can bring. None of them could help me create the mindset I need to get up everyday in spite of possibly being on the cusp of another attack and live my life like it doesn't matter what happens.
I am about 80%, no maybe 90%, successful in focusing on life...and joke that if Death wants me he will have to come find me. But living with this knowledge does make each sunrise more precious, each visit with friends or family sweeter. It makes sunlight feel warmer and snow feel colder.
Having the knowledge of the shortness of life does make me grateful for all the time I have. I don't think I have ever been more appreciative of the privileges I have and of the place where I live.
While it sharpens my senses, it also blunts my reactionary tendencies. Mostly, I am content to observe and take it all in. Action doesn't seem as important -- and maybe, as time goes on, that will change. But for now I am happy to watch the world unfold and revel in the beauty. I choose to avoid the ugliness out there and surround myself with nature.
Releasing the outcome of life is the goal....because it is inevitable. That is such a big lesson and a work in progress. It doesn't matter if i am successful at it. Only that I try.
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